


Three Lies

by pingo1387



Series: Well, This Is Awkward [1]
Category: One Piece
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Bank Robbery, Established Relationship, Humor, M/M, One Shot, Originally Posted on FanFiction.Net, Romance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-30
Updated: 2019-06-30
Packaged: 2020-05-30 21:47:20
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19412044
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pingo1387/pseuds/pingo1387
Summary: Sanji and Usopp take a trip to the bank and find themselves in an unexpected situation.





	Three Lies

“I gotta say,” Sanji whispered, leaning against the wall, “this isn’t what I expected to happen when we came here.” 

Usopp stared at his boyfriend incredulously, torn between laughing and screaming—though with the threat of a bullet going through his skull, he did neither. “Really,” he hissed. “You didn’t expect to be held hostage during a robbery? What were you thinking, I’m sure  _ everyone  _ expects that. I, for one, simply forgot my anti-robbery measures back at the house, but  _ you _ have no excuse—” 

“Shut up,” Sanji hissed back. “I’m trying to work something out.” 

The two had taken a walk to the bank that afternoon, meaning to withdraw some funds. As it was just before closing time, it had been only them and the lone teller in the place. Sanji had begun to flirt with her, and as Usopp had seized his ear in punishment, there had been a loud noise behind them. All three had looked around to see three people dressed in black standing at the entrance, each one holding a pistol and wearing balaclavas to cover their faces. The smallest of the three had ordered in a high-pitched voice for Usopp and Sanji to sit against the wall and to not move or make any loud noises. The tall one with unusually large forearms had approached the teller, pointing his gun at her and ordering her to bring him as much money as she could. She’d nodded in fear, her orange bun at the back of her head coming loose after a long day, and went off to fetch the cash, followed by another threat should she try to call the police. 

Which brought Sanji and Usopp to their current predicament. As the redheaded teller gathered the money, the robber standing guard at the counter, the other two culprits kept their guns trained on the hostages sitting against the wall. The short one who had ordered them kept glancing back at the one watching the teller, and the other one, taller than the short one but shorter than the tall one, the shape of some kind of hat prominent under his mask, kept rocking back and forth on his feet, occasionally moving the gun around before snapping his focus back and pointing the barrel at Usopp and Sanji again. 

“What do you expect to work out here?” Usopp mumbled out of the side of his mouth. “I think I see what’s going on pretty clearly. Don’t you?” 

“I’ve got it already,” Sanji said, voice barely above a whisper. “Take a closer look at those guns.” 

Usopp squinted at the weapons and raised his eyebrows. 

“Yeah,” Sanji whispered. “I thought so. They might have fooled that poor lady, but no bullets are gonna come out of those toys.” 

“So what’s the plan?” Usopp whispered back. “Rush them? I was star quarterback on the high school football team, you know—” 

“You were not,” Sanji muttered, rolling his eyes. “You were always sitting by yourself in the stands and staring at me. That’s how we met, remember?” 

“Yeah,” Usopp sighed, smiling. Then he shook his head. “Uh, we’re off-topic. What’s the plan?” 

Sanji leaned over and whispered into Usopp’s ear. Usopp nodded. 

“And hey,” Sanji added, pulling away. “If it turns out they have some other trick up their sleeve, and we don’t make it out alive . . . I love you.” 

Usopp grinned. “You should be saying that regardless. But, yeah, I love you, too.” 

He cleared his throat loudly. The man with large forearms ignored him while the other two looked at him sharply. 

“This is a bit, bit, boring, don’t you think?” he asked, his voice trembling as he fought to keep his legs from shaking under him. Even knowing the weapons were fake . . . “Why don’t I tell you two a story to pass the time?” 

“A story?” the one with a hat under his mask exclaimed. “Yeah, sounds great! I  _ was  _ bored!” He dropped to the floor, drumming his free hand on his foot. “C’mon, tell it!” 

Usopp scooted forward, inching ever-so-slightly away from Sanji as the short one sat down as well. “Okay,” he said, shifting his legs. “Here . . . here goes.” 

He took a deep breath. 

“Once upon a time, there was a couple very much in love. One day, the couple went out to buy food together. When they got to the market, they found a good vendor selling good food—but alas! Just before they could complete their purchase, three evil villains swooped in and declared that all the food was theirs!” 

As Usopp spoke, he tapped the ground twice. Sanji slowly stood, the signal telling him that the robbers were entirely focused on Usopp and his story. He crept towards the third robber standing at the counter. 

“The villains forced the couple to sit in silence, lest their heads be chopped off,” Usopp continued. “One of the villains forced the vendor to give him all of the food! It was terrible—all that food and none for the poor young couple!” 

Sanji seized the gun and used it to give the robber a solid thump on the side of the head. He fell and Sanji caught him, lowering him to the ground so his body wouldn’t make a noise. He looked up to the teller, who had hurried back to the counter, and pressed a finger to his lips before making a telephone signal with his hand and mouthing  _ Call the cops.  _

“As the frightened vendor gave the villain the food, one of the young couple started telling the other two villains a story, hoping to win them over while his partner sat beside him, unmoving. But as soon as the wicked villain finished collecting the food, he killed the young man telling the story! The villains got away with all the food, and the young man’s partner wept and wept for his loss . . .” 

Usopp trailed off, letting his words hang in the air. “The end! Now,” he continued before either of the robbers could notice Sanji was gone, “that tale was based on a  _ true story!  _ But the thing is, I lied about three key factors. Let me tell you what they were . . .” 

Sanji slowly approached the robbers from behind. 

“Lie number three: The villains escaped with their bounty.” 

The robbers listened curiously. 

“Lie number two: The young man was killed.” 

Sanji raised his leg, drawing his arms in close to his torso. 

“And lie number one . . .” Usopp grinned at Sanji. “The young man’s partner did not move.” 

The two robbers stared at him, and whipped around just as Sanji swung his foot at the hat-wearing one, knocking his head into his partner’s and rendering both unconscious. 

“Thank god,” the teller exclaimed, standing. “I called the cops. Thank you so much!” 

“Why, it was no trouble at all,” Sanji said, smiling. “In return, could I ask for your name, and perhaps—ow, ow,  _ ow—”  _

Usopp had seized his ear again, dragging him back. “We already did this!” he snapped, just before his knees gave out and he fell to the ground. 

“Whoa, hey—” Sanji knelt and held Usopp’s shoulders, helping him stand again. “You okay?” 

Usopp gave him a weak grin, all his pent-up shaking coming out in his legs at last. “That was terrifying,” he whispered. “It was like an action movie, but real life, and I know those guns were fake, and I know you’re strong, but—” 

Sanji grinned and hugged Usopp, who went limp in his arms, forcing him to support his frame completely. “We’re going right back to the apartment after the cops come here and take these bozos away. I think we’ve earned some downtime, don’t you?” 


End file.
